Sunday, May 13, 2007

Two months later...

... believe it or not I am STILL trying to wind up my family history stuff so I can put it away but stuff keeps coming up. It's one mystery after another and like a good detective I simply cannot let a lead go.

A lot has happened to lighten my mood although I have not been without a few minor panic attacks. Firstly, in anticipation of my forthcoming 50th birthday in a couple of weeks, I am going on a solo trip to the UK to visit friends and family. I am dreading the travel but looking forward very much to meeting up with some old friends on my birthday and travelling around and about meeting a few people.

Why is it that what was once so simple is now a big production? Why do I worry about things so much instead of relaxing and enjoying it - and pretending to go with the flow but inwardly furiously trying to go the other way? I drive myself nuts, that's for sure.

Anyway, the trip is planned, arrangements are made - and if I didn't make arrangements I'd end up being frustrated not to be able to see some people. As it is, there are a few that can't make it, but that's too bad for them and for me. It has certainly eased my stress knowing that I can escape the mundane and the bickering for a couple of weeks, although I know it's only put a patch over the problems and they'll burst through again at some later date.

I am thinking about giving up my job - in fact I've been thinking about it for some time, but I hate to let people down. I feel that I am not a good enough parent or housekeeper. I am tired at the end of the day when I am supposed to get cleaning and cooking done and I certainly am not inspired to try anything new. I'd like to keep the place cleaner and most of all I'd like to feel I have the time to take care of things at home so that I have the energy to do right by my family.

The weather is gorgeous this mother's day; I wish it would be like this for the whole summer.