dealing with feelings

I don't recall feeling so depressed at Christmas time before - except for the Christmas immediately following the death of my mother, although that was more to do with being in a fog of grief, coupled with the breakup of my sister's marriage and knowing that Christmas would never be the same again.

I try very hard to do the best I can for my husband and children but all the time I feel that my efforts are inadequate. I have less confidence and I am less decisive than when I was young. I don't know where these feelings of failure come from. I can hardly blame my childhood and upbringing - although I am sure a psychologist could find a way to do that. It all comes from within and that fish-out-of-water feeling.

I have a twelve-year-old daughter who assures me daily that I haven't a clue, that I know nothing, that everything I believe in and am interested in is of no consequence. In turn, I assure her that she is a self-centered brat. We neither of us do the other any favours when we talk like that, but she continues on her way with an air of arrogant confidence while I sit in a corner and weep, wondering where I went wrong.

I have got to get myself together before church this afternoon and keep it together until after the late night service. No tears, no emotion and that means no thinking. Shut off my mind. Dwell in the moment. Forget the past and forget my troubles.

pre-Christmas thoughts

I'm a tail-end baby boomer, hating that label and fearing for what it means for my future if I should live to be old. The generation after mine already has children and some of them are older than my own. I have had a fish-out-of-water feeling on and off for many years and suddenly it's worse than ever. Why is that, I wonder. This will be my fourteenth Christmas in America as the only Brit in a family of five. The other four are my husband and children, all of whom were born here in the US of A.

First point of note. I miss my past, have trouble enjoying my present and don't see much in my future.