Saturday, March 10, 2007

It's all about me!

Well, isn't it? No, of course it isn't. I was taught always to put myself last. Serve guests, help people, be considerate of others and think of them first. Why does that sound old-fashioned now?

My parents were taught to respect and obey authority. They had to. During the depression their lives depended on hard work and freinds, family, neighbours and strangers helping each other. Jobs were scarce. If you had one, you took care to make sure you kept it and that meant working hard, doing as you were told, being respectful and pleasing your employers. During the war, it became even more imperative to be obedient, honest, and above all, unquestioning. If you were told to jump out of an aeroplane, you jumped. If you were told to jump into the ocean, you jumped even if you couldn't swim. Just to be clear... none of this had to mean compromising your principles (as long as you could afford to have principles) or your morals (unless your life literally depended on it).
So now we live in what I fondly call the Oprah era. Not that I blame her personally or entirely for this new selfishness that is pervading our society, but I do remember some ten or so years ago, on one of her shows she was telling the women in her audience over and over that it was "OK" for them to take time out of their busy lives to do things for themselves. And indeed it was.

So what's changed? The children of those busy mums who started taking time out for themselves were taught by their mums that they needed to take care of themsleves and their own needs. They forgot to tell them that they still had a responsibility to take care of others first and that making time for themselves was not supposed to be the only thing! So when the mums have finished teachning their daughters that it's ok to have fun, to "be what you want to be" and "do what you want to do" they suddenly find themselves with selfish teenagers who think they are the queen of all and that nothing matters but them!

The difference between taking time out for yourself and living your life just the way you want it is the difference between a well-balanced, well-organised society and sheer self-centered anarchy.

What is to be done about reversing this trend? Because reverse it we must. The fundamental lessons that must be taught now are:

  • That other people's needs should and must come before our own. Period.
  • That everyone has a right to live without fear, loneliness or pain.
  • If you get to "follow your dream" for even one single day, you have achieved something.
  • That being the best is only achievable by one person and that probably isn't you.
  • That you are not special to anyone except yourself and those that truly love you.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Does anything I say ever matter?

In our house I'm the first one to get up and the last one to leave the house. I am suppoed to be at work in seven minutes and I'm not even dressed yet, because I tried to hustle the kids out the door and decided to clean out a kitchen cupboard.

I decided that the recalcitrant elder child should start making her own lunch to take to school. Result? She went to school with no lunch today. I help the younger ones but only the youngest appreciates the help - the older one has discovered the withering weapon of sarcasm and hurls it at me whenever possible.

The man of the house tells me yet again that I keep everything in the wrong places instead of attempting to remember where everything is - and where it has been for years now.

I can't get up any interest in going to work because there isn't actually anything for me to do there today and I have plenty to do at home - yet I can't just not go.

When I awoke this morning I was happy and warm on a freezing day and one by one each member of the family has chipped away at my feeling of well-being so that now I feel like crying. It used to be fun to dream about what could be in my future, but now I don't see any future except one where I get older and grumpier. How sad. I've lost my ability to dream. I have no future.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

being positive

Being positive isn't necessarily something I'm good at. My grandma, bless her heart, was the most optimistic soul I ever met - she saw the bright side of everything and never really let anything get her down. I'm sure that living through two world wars taught her to hide her feelings, and it didn't 'do' to express defeatism or pessimism because it was bad for morale.

I don't consider myself a particularly negative or pessimistic person - more a realist. I hate to build my hopes up to have them dashed, but conversely if the potential for very bad news exists I prefer to believe that all will be well in the end. I guess that isn't exactly realistic either My mother always said I was a bit of an ostrich and she was right.

Being positive in 2007, for me, means being content with my life. We are neither rich nor poor, we don't live paycheck to paycheck and if disaster were to befall us we have a bit of a cushion to protect us for a little while. Thanks to my very clever husband, that is. Having a comfortable life gives one a lot more time to consider those things which make us feel less than content. It's easy to criticise other people for the things they do and the way they behave, but one only has to remember that everyone has problems and difficulties to realise that their behaviour is a reaction to the things that happen in their lives. It's far easier to go through life imagining that the face that people show to the world is all there is, but the reality is that people are like icebergs. We only see the tip but there is a whole lot more hidden below the surface.

I find it frustrating to be with people who share little about themselves. I have always been a keen conversationalist but I am frustrated by people who constantly ask about me rather than share their own experiences. I don't ask too many questions because I don't want to pry into private business, but will happily answer any that are asked of me.... occasionally I leave someone with a cheery goodbye and then wish I hadn't said as much as I did.

I have a lot of insecurities about myself and the face I present to the world. Some days I can't say a right thing and others I find myself to be keenly insightful - and not only when I've been drinking either!

So, back to being positive.

Friday, January 5, 2007

not a boomer after all

I have been reading a lot of online articles (mostly from established British hard publications such as the Independent and the New Statesman) about the Britsh baby boom and it appears that in fourteen yeas of living in the United States I have become brainwashed! Now there's a surprise...

Speaking from memory alone, I recall that as a child at Primary school in the 1960's, the school was not big enough to accommodate the numbers of children it had to serve. The building was only built in the previous decade, yet by the time I was in my fourth and final year they had added two or three "temporary" classrooms (ie on a permanent foundation but built with wood, not brick like the rest of the school) and three "mobile" classrooms (or "huts") which were parked in the corner of the playground. Forty years later, the temporary classrooms are still there, and so is one of the original "mobiles". (That dates me right there - a mobile used to refer to a classroom not a phone!.)

I remember my mother referring to the increased and rising birthrate not as a "boom" but as a "bulge" and indeed I was very much aware of being in that bulge. Even with an alphabetically ordered register in class and the girls being several places down the list from the boys, I was number 40 when we called out our numbers, and I was only halfway through the girls list.

I have over the past twenty years or so come to realise that much of what is on tv is what I am interested in. My kind of humour, my kind of drama, etc. Could be a boom-effect but more likely that until this year I fell right into that demographic that advertisers want to appeal to. This is - or was - less apparent in the UK than it is here in the US, but it is obvious that over there I was part of a bulge which was amused by both Morecambe & Wise and Monty Python and while I thnk the range of entertainment which was offered in the UK when I lived there had cross-generational appeal, in the US the elderly and the very young are neglected on network television.

Now it is clear that the boomers are back in the demographic in a different way - luxury cars and retirement options are being marketed at them (strange to hear what used to be called "progressive" music being played in commercials) but in ten years when I am 60, those early boomers will be too old and I will still be too poor.

It is true, that as a baby born in England in the 1950's I benefitted from free milk, free education right through college, free health care and was brought up to expect that it would always be so. Now my contemporaries in the UK are coming to realise that "from the cradle to the grave' only applies if you die before you retire. We don't see our future suffering from poverty and neglect in our old-age because we were taught from birth that "the authorities" would take care of those in need. Our parents were taught to respect authority because of the war (WW2); one did as one was told without question. We were brought up the same way although unlike our parents, we rebelled. However we only rebelled mildly. Teenagers argued with their parents but eventually gave in to the higher authority; those born before us became hippies and joined protest and peace marches. We did a bit of that, but not so much because... well there wasn't much point was there?

I am - or was - sandwiched between hippies and punk-rockers. The hippies were pretty much gone in the UK by the end of 1971, and the punk movement started when I was at college in about 1976. So for the four intervening years we had what people have been pleased to call the era of bad taste. I wore smocks, long flowery skirts, brown corduroy, platform shoes, mini skirts, long-sleeved shirts with short-sleeved jumpers over the top and as schoolgirls we wore tights ("panty-hose" came to England just as my friends and I turned 12 and started to be allowed to wear nylons to school) with knee-high socks over them. Grey tights mostly.

I also wanted anything I could get hold of that had sparkle and glitter (which was mostly the kind of glitter that was glued to Christmas cards) because this was also the age of Gary Glitter, David Bowie (Ziggy Stardust & Alladin Sane), Alvin Stardust, Slade and the Sweet. We cultivated straighter than straight page-boy haircuts with not a hair out of place, we wore clean and freshly-ironed clothes with creases down the fronts of our jeans (if we even had any) and Oxford Bags. Some of us would get a "shaggy perm" and others, whose parents were not liberal enough to allow their sons to grow long hair, wore a long fringe and made up for their follicular fauxs-pas by wearing extra trendy clothes.

I was a wanne-be hippy but I enjoyed the glam-era. Like my friends I was rather baffled that the "teeny-boppers" that bopped up behind us in the discos, swooning over the Bay City Rollers and Little Jimmy Osmond should also spawn a group that didn't iron their jeans wore safety-pins!

My introduction to the punk lifestyle occurred at college, at the beginning of my seond year in 1976. There was a student who I had seen around and vaguely knew but hadn't really spoken to him before. We were at an evening folk club event and he was there with a hole in the knee of his jeans held together with a safety-pin. My friend asked him why he didn't sew up the hole instead of leaving it pinned together. To us a safety pin was something that was used in an emergency and was to be hidden and here he was wearing one in full view where most of us would be ashamed to be seen with one. We obviously didn't get it and sadly we never did. I remember pogo-ing at my friend's 21st birthday party a year or so later, by which time I was clearly "past it". I did it for a laugh, not because it was something me and my friends did for real... that was something for the teenagers jsut behind us.

Now I am listeneing to "Teenage Kicks" and realising that there was a lot of good music out there in the late 70s and early 80s that I simply ignored because it was different from the glam and rock music I had listened to as a teenager. I still don't like all punk music - or new wave or alternative or whatever label it had, but I find I ilke a lot of it and, most importantly, I realsie that those kids who liked it at the time were no more than three or four years younger than me which isn't such a big age-gap now as it was then.

Monday, January 1, 2007

Happy New Year!

A week and a day ago I was miserable, tearful, and stressed out over work, the holidays and other elements in my life but today I'm feeling great. We hosted our first New Year Open House for most of the day and it was a great success and enjoyed (I think) by all who came. The whole family really enjoyed it and even the dog enjoyed herself - she was extremely well-behaved too!

Excellent!

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Old blanket

I have an old beloved blanket. It was a Christmas present in 1975, it went with me to college and has lived in all the homes I have lived in - sometimes on the bed, sometimes on the couch, sometimes in a closet. When I look at it I remember people and places long gone but fondly remembered.

My husband and I have a good partnership. We own and run a household, we have three much-loved, gorgeous children and share in their upbringing and daily care. On a practical level it works very well. We seldom have major disagreements, although we do bicker constantly. The reason for the bickering is that we are almost opposites in every way and that what is interesting to one is of no interest to the other, so too often conversations are stopped dead in their tracks and we must each find others with whom to share our minds and souls.

So what has this to do with a blanket? For the past two years he has been putting it on his side of the bed and it annoys me that now I am losing past associations with it and thinking of it as his blanket. I won't allow myself to be sad though, because the past is in the past and it shall never be again. It's just a bed-covering after all.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Saddam goodbye

So Saddam Hussein has been executed. Truly I feel sorry that it had to come to this and I'm a little apprehensive about the aftermath. I'm sorry for the people he hurt and killed, I'm sorry for the people who believed in him as a leader and I'm sorry for him because he never actually understood that the things he did were wrong. I don't believe in the death penalty but it's hard to know what else to do with someone so innately evil who is also still idolized by many misguided people.

I often feel grateful that the world isn't relying on me to make big decisions. I often find it easy to see both sides of the coin and can seldom come down on one side or the other. In this case it is clear that the man was evil, but at the same time I ask why. Was he a cruel child? If not, what made him become a cruel man?

What really makes me angry though is that GWB's so-called "war on terrorism" was supposed to find the perpetrators of the 9/11 attacks and they are still at large and probably laughing up their sleeves. I know the war has rid the world of another dictator, but at what cost? We hear stories of torture, wrongful imprisonment, young men (military) being shot at and blown up and others (insurgents) who blow themselves up just to make a point.

We live in a frightening and dangerous world but it's no more frightening and dangerous than the world we and our parents were born into.