Laugh? I wish I could

I think I've lost the ability to laugh. I hate to dwell on what I used to be and what it was like in my family of Mum, Dad, my sister and me, but while I remember that there were fights and arguments I also remember that there were as many - if not more - times when we laughed and had fun together. I don't know why I can't recreate that in my own family today. I really don't.

Let me see. When we were on long car trips we all used to sing - mum, dad and us. We sang mostly songs that we all knew and sometimes my sister and I would sing songs learned at school. We didn't sing all the time though because sometimes my sister suffered from travel-sickness which was most unpleasant and was the cause of many a loud complaint from me. We also used to kneel up on the back seat of the car and wave to the driver of the car behind us. We laughed and waved more when they waved back and grinned cheekily if they didn't, calling them a "mouldy old mop" or something like that. In the present day, though, when we are on long car trips, the radio has to be loudly tuned to NPR which has lots of talk that only my husband wants to hear and there's not even a chance to get lost in one's own thoughts, never mind sing songs and tell stories together. The kids are in the back plugged into iPods and DVD players anyway, so the goal (apparently) is to keep everyone quiet and occupied until we get there. Not much fun though, is it.

At home, when little things went wrong, I remember, we might have made a joke of it to make someone feel better, or we'd try to see the funny side. A power failure became an adventure of blankets and torches (flashlights) and picnics in the living room. Nothing (as far as I can remember) was turned into a big disaster unless it was one, and then we'd try to do our best to find something positive to say to raise our spirits. All too often in my home today, arguments escalate, people take things too seriously and dramas soon become crises even if they don't have to be. I even get told I'm not funny when I try to make light of things. These are my children and husband aren't they? So why don't I feel as if I fit in here?

I used to laugh a lot. My mother laughed a lot and my grandma laughed through her whole life. I can't think of either of them without seeing the smiles on their faces and hearing their laughter yet they both suffered tragedy and hardship in their lives and they both had days when they would get angry or upset. The overwhelming memory though is a happy one. My sister still laughs a lot but I often feel depressed and helpless and alone in my own home. I want to be able to tell a funny story and have someone laugh and I want to reciprocate. To be fair it does happen sometimes with the kids so I'm not saying we never laugh because we do. I just wish there was more that we could laugh at together. The one and only time we all laughed at the same thing was when we went to see Blue Man Group. I'll never forget looking along the row at my family and seeing them all laugh together. It's something I'd like to see happen again.

What am I doing wrong? Why am I incapable of turning my home into the warm and happy place I'd like it to be? What am I missing?