Being Young

My cousin mentioned to me yesterday that he is a firm believer in the "18 'til I die" ethos. I don't know if that's possible. I have spent half my life trying to grow up and now that I'm middle-aged I sometimes think my teenage daughter is more mature than I am. I definitely feel my body is now aging a lot faster than I am, which is rather annoying. When my daughter had her friends over last weekend I wasn't sure how to behave. Stupid really. My inner 18-year-old wanted to go in and laugh and talk with them, join in their fun and get to know them. I felt that they weren't so different from me after all. But the 51-year-old parent was less sure and kept her distance. She didn't really talk or interact with them at all for fear that the daughter wouldn't like it, plus she felt responsible for seeing that there was no inappropriate behaviour. I felt uncomfortable because I know I'd rather have been with them than being an adult in the other room.

I often wonder how, as a parent and a so-called responsible adult, I am supposed to behave. When I was a teacher I was told that one really had to put on an act. Always in the back of my mind was a warning I got when I was a student teacher: "you can't let them win". Looking back, I received some bad advice and I should have ignored it, but I rally couldn't think for myself. I don't think I ever learned that I'd have done a lot better if I'd been more flexible, but there was always the fear that I would lose control and "they" would "win".

Being a parent is even harder than being a teacher. I want to be "firm but kind" but I seriously doubt that it works for anyone whose children won't go to bed, pick up their things, eat their dinner or comply with some other minor request. My children think I'm too serious, over-critical, dull, weird (that's a given) and too concerned with manners. They're usually right, but if I stop caring how they speak to me or each other or other people, they'll "win", I'll lose control and then I'll be labelled as a bad mother whose children are rude. In truth, my children get lots of freedom and I don't nag as much as I should and as a result we live in a pigsty and their rooms are often worse.

My children don't know that the person they know as "mum" isn't the real me. The real me laughs more than she cries and enjoys her friends and her hobbies, and hosts parties. The real me doesn't really care that the kids' rooms are a mess (unless they are dirty) and wants them to go out and have fun and be adventurous. Unfortunately in the back of my mind I can 'see' and 'hear' my mum and many other mums keeping a clean house, cooking, shopping and going to work full time. I don't remember our house being as messy as this one and I would never have been allowed to go out with holes in my clothes or torn hems (at least, not until I was a teenager and it became fashionable). My children don't know that when I suddenly start to get really strict it's because I feel guilty that I've allowed them to go around with scruffy hair and torn clothes and that a "real" mum would make sure that the house was always clean and the family would always eat and enjoy the food she cooks for them.

So, going back to my title, "Being Young", I think it's time I stopped trying to behave like a grown-up and let people take me as I am. Especially my family. I know that my children are surprised that I get as addicted to video games as they do and that my iPod has become permanently attached to my person and that I can't even leave the room without it. As far as the rest goes, I'll try to do better as a parent and be less heavy-handed (metaphorically). If the kids can't laugh with me and see the funny side of something, I'll let it go. If they do something to upset me, I'll let that go too. I won't even worry about their manners so much any more*; they'll have to find out for themselves that good manners have a place, even in 2009. I want them to see more of the happy 'me' and less of the "can't let them win" teacher. I've already made many, many mistakes and I don't want to wait until it's too late to change.

* I wrote this several hours before publishing and I managed to break that new rule at least six times in the space of two hours!! I probably should have included the proviso that I could only do this if they were willing to put other people's feelings before their own and could learn to think before they speak!