Teen Angst

If there is such a thing I don't exactly know what it is. From my memories of my own teenage years I know that the biggest dramas occur in relationships: rows with parents, fall-outs with friends, break-ups with boyfriends and they don't even have to be one's own. A teenager can take all those emotions and transfer them on to the dramas of their friends, so they are able to wallow in it together. Somewhere down the list can be found 'trouble at school' and 'concern for family'. Obviously there are teenagers whose lives dictate that their priorities must be in a different order, but for the teenager whose home life isn't in turmoil (other than that which they cause themselves) and whose basic needs are met, this is the age of "Me and my Friends First".

My daughter mentioned in one of our less pleasant exchanges that her friends were all that were important to her and I remember saying exactly the same to my mother at her age. I wasn't inclined to give her the same answer I got, because I've told her before that "friends come and go but your family will always be there". At least we hope they will be. So-called teen angst is really more about the dramas that make up their lives as well as pressures both real and imagined from adults and peers. They absorb some of their friends' pressures as if by osmosis and pass them off as their own. It's empathathetic to the point where they practically live each other's lives - living in one another's pockets, as they used to say.

Psychologists have been telling us for years that the adolescent teenage years are the hardest and we must understand that there is a lot of anxiety and pressure involved as well as the teenagers having to cope with the psychological affect that body changes and emotions have on them. I even remember as a 14-year-old being told (perhaps in an "Educational Film") that "it's a difficult time" and thinking "is it?" and then (perhaps subconsciously) using that as an excuse for bad behaviour. When I heard it as a teenager in the early 1970s, I think the adults of the world were still trying to come to grips with their older children being hippies, taking drugs and rebelling as teenagers had never rebelled before. The parents of the hippies were often law-abiding and middle-class; having lived and possibly fought through the austere years of the Second World War they wanted their children to have luxuries and advantages that they did not. However, instead of receiving their children's eternal gratitude they were rewarded with drop-outs, riots, law-breaking, rebellion and quarrels. Society didn't understand them and tried to rationalise their behaviour, saying that it was "hard" for them. They didn't realise that giving them freedom to "be themselves" meant also giving them freedom to rebel. Like parents then, we also try to rationalize their behaviour. Surely we didn't make the mistakes our parents made? Surely we did. And worse. Our parents might not have been so good at boosting our self-esteem, but the kids now are so boosted they're deluded into thinking they can be anything they want to be. Ha ha. How will they cope with the real world? How will the real world cope with all those super-egos in a few decades' time? Who will care enough about the sick and elderly thirty or forty years from now?

Teen angst is a myth. What we have is kids who follow the rules and kids who do not. Most of them make their own rules. Hurrah! for those whose rules coincide with ours and bad luck to those whose don't.

To be continued...

Being Young

My cousin mentioned to me yesterday that he is a firm believer in the "18 'til I die" ethos. I don't know if that's possible. I have spent half my life trying to grow up and now that I'm middle-aged I sometimes think my teenage daughter is more mature than I am. I definitely feel my body is now aging a lot faster than I am, which is rather annoying. When my daughter had her friends over last weekend I wasn't sure how to behave. Stupid really. My inner 18-year-old wanted to go in and laugh and talk with them, join in their fun and get to know them. I felt that they weren't so different from me after all. But the 51-year-old parent was less sure and kept her distance. She didn't really talk or interact with them at all for fear that the daughter wouldn't like it, plus she felt responsible for seeing that there was no inappropriate behaviour. I felt uncomfortable because I know I'd rather have been with them than being an adult in the other room.

I often wonder how, as a parent and a so-called responsible adult, I am supposed to behave. When I was a teacher I was told that one really had to put on an act. Always in the back of my mind was a warning I got when I was a student teacher: "you can't let them win". Looking back, I received some bad advice and I should have ignored it, but I rally couldn't think for myself. I don't think I ever learned that I'd have done a lot better if I'd been more flexible, but there was always the fear that I would lose control and "they" would "win".

Being a parent is even harder than being a teacher. I want to be "firm but kind" but I seriously doubt that it works for anyone whose children won't go to bed, pick up their things, eat their dinner or comply with some other minor request. My children think I'm too serious, over-critical, dull, weird (that's a given) and too concerned with manners. They're usually right, but if I stop caring how they speak to me or each other or other people, they'll "win", I'll lose control and then I'll be labelled as a bad mother whose children are rude. In truth, my children get lots of freedom and I don't nag as much as I should and as a result we live in a pigsty and their rooms are often worse.

My children don't know that the person they know as "mum" isn't the real me. The real me laughs more than she cries and enjoys her friends and her hobbies, and hosts parties. The real me doesn't really care that the kids' rooms are a mess (unless they are dirty) and wants them to go out and have fun and be adventurous. Unfortunately in the back of my mind I can 'see' and 'hear' my mum and many other mums keeping a clean house, cooking, shopping and going to work full time. I don't remember our house being as messy as this one and I would never have been allowed to go out with holes in my clothes or torn hems (at least, not until I was a teenager and it became fashionable). My children don't know that when I suddenly start to get really strict it's because I feel guilty that I've allowed them to go around with scruffy hair and torn clothes and that a "real" mum would make sure that the house was always clean and the family would always eat and enjoy the food she cooks for them.

So, going back to my title, "Being Young", I think it's time I stopped trying to behave like a grown-up and let people take me as I am. Especially my family. I know that my children are surprised that I get as addicted to video games as they do and that my iPod has become permanently attached to my person and that I can't even leave the room without it. As far as the rest goes, I'll try to do better as a parent and be less heavy-handed (metaphorically). If the kids can't laugh with me and see the funny side of something, I'll let it go. If they do something to upset me, I'll let that go too. I won't even worry about their manners so much any more*; they'll have to find out for themselves that good manners have a place, even in 2009. I want them to see more of the happy 'me' and less of the "can't let them win" teacher. I've already made many, many mistakes and I don't want to wait until it's too late to change.

* I wrote this several hours before publishing and I managed to break that new rule at least six times in the space of two hours!! I probably should have included the proviso that I could only do this if they were willing to put other people's feelings before their own and could learn to think before they speak!