Online presence

I've had a glass of Merlot and it's gone straight to my head. I'm glad it has that effect on me because it means that I don't usually drink too much.

I've been thinking a bit about my 'presence' on the internet. At times I might have been a little indiscreet in my remarks - especially in the early days if my online activities, eight or nine years ago, but I don't think I've ever posted anything that would destroy my reputation and good standing in the real world, or that of my family. I am so glad I'm not a teenager or college student because in my less guarded moments 35 years ago, I might easily have been seen in some awkward circumstances.

I'm sure there are many now who regret their online presence, when an unfortunate video, photo or posted comment has cost them their job, and perhaps I'm naive in thinking that I'm safe from that with my written ramblings. Who knows who's out there and who knows what they might do? I can't imagine that a teenager with 500-odd 'friends' on Facebook can truly know and trust all of them. Can the teenager even really trust her/himself?

I started by saying I'd drunk a glass of wine and feeling it. However, I'm not worried that someone's posting inappropriate photos of me. Might that have been so, 30 years ago? I'd like to think not. Thankfully I'll never know and I hope that my children will be more careful than I ever had to be.

Picture time!

Here are some long-awaited photos of the new carpet which was fitted and laid at the end of June. It goes in the hallway, stairs, and living room.

Now here are the cat and dog pictures!

A new member of the family

Today we adopted a brand new furry four-legged friend. We now have a black and white eight-week-old kitten named Jasper. More to follow when I have a photo.

The Health Care Debate

First I admit I didn't take the time to go to the local meetings the other week to show my support for the Health Care Bill but I wish I had. I'm stunned at the fuss and hot air that's being created at the meetings all over the country. I'm impressed that Obama and his supporters are meeting the attackers head on and responding with reason and truth.

The stories that are being bandied about remind me of First World War propaganda put out in England about the evil Hun killing babies and raping women. It's ridiculous to suggest for a second that a national health care program will mean euthanasia for the sick and elderly! I can't believe I even have to write it and I bet Obama can't believe he has to mention it either. I so admire that man for keeping his cool and responding respectfully and intelligently to the wild accusations and utter utter nonsense that some people are spouting. (At the very least I'd be rolling my eyes!)

So let me tell the world that I am for it. But first it must be said that no health care plan is perfect. (In fact the only perfect state to be in is to be extremely wealthy, not need insurance and to be able to go to any doctor or hospital in the world for all and any treatment you may need, and not have to worry about the cost.) Realistically, most of us reaidng blogs on the internet have modest incomes, modest lifestyles and we pay our insurance in the hope that when we really need it, the insurance companies will thank us for our loyalty and regular payments by covering the cost of treatments we need to make us well. But as we have heard all too often, this is simply not what happens. The reality is that the cap which insurance companies apply for our medical treatment might be adequate for the broken arms, tonsillectomies, short-term hospital stays and routine prescriptions required for a family in moderate health, but falls far far short when someone has cancer for the second or third time, or has the misfortune to find themselves paraplegic or worse. At the very least, this proposed plan aims to remove the fear which all Americans must have, of being abandoned by their insurance company in their hour of greatest need.

It is my belief that there should be a law made, equivalent to an added amendment to the Bill of Rights: All citizens have an indisputable and equal right to high quality, effective health care. Or however you want to word it. While no-one can dispute that America has the best medical facilities and treatments available anywhere in the world, not everyone can make use of them, because their insurance cannot or will not cover the expense, or because they have minimal or no insurance at all and simply cannot afford to pay for treatment. Why is this even being disputed? Who thinks this is fair?

I'm sorry to say that many people apparently don't care about the poor and needy, and that's partly because they don't imagine themselves in that position. Why should sick people have to depend on charity? Why shouldn't the richest country on Earth share the wealth with its poor? All too often the poor and needy didn't start off that way either - sometimes they're people just like you and me who suddenly find themselves having to spend more and more money on medical expenses to the point where they lose their homes. Don't we care about them either?

Look at this... Take each item one point at a time and think carefully about how this might affect you and your family in both good times and bad. Then if you still think it's a bad thing, tell me why.

THE SECURITY YOU GET from health insurance reform:

• No Discrimination for Pre-Existing Conditions
• Insurance companies will be prohibited from refusing you coverage because of your medical history.
• No Exorbitant Out-of-Pocket Expenses, Deductibles or Co-Pays
• Insurance companies will have to abide by yearly caps on how much they can charge for out-of-pocket expenses.
• No Cost-Sharing for Preventive Care
• Insurance companies must fully cover, without charge, regular checkups and tests that help you prevent illness, such as mammograms or eye and foot exams for diabetics.
• No Dropping of Coverage for Seriously Ill
• Insurance companies will be prohibited from dropping or watering down insurance coverage for those who become seriously ill.
• No Gender Discrimination
• Insurance companies will be prohibited from charging you more because of your gender.
• No Annual or Lifetime Caps on Coverage
• Insurance companies will be prevented from placing annual or lifetime caps on the coverage you receive.
• Extended Coverage for Young Adults
• Children would continue to be eligible for family coverage through the age of 26.
• Guaranteed Insurance Renewal
• Insurance companies will be required to renew any policy as long as the policyholder pays their premium in full. Insurance companies won't be allowed to refuse renewal because someone became sick.

]http://www.whitehouse.gov/health-insurance-consumer-protections/

Diets and change

Last night I did a little tweaking here and changed the look of my blog. I'm not really inspired by the available themes but I don't feel like paying and I can't be bothered to figure out hos to do my own.

So yesterday I decided that I needed to take myself in hand once again and put myself back on the straight and narrow path leading to freedom from fat. Oh yes. Over many years of being overweight, losing it, gaining it back and worse, I've made some observations about myself.

1. That without fail, if I lose weight and regain it, I will always end up heavier than when I started.
2. Carbohydrates are easy to grab, easy to eat, are not as filling as they ought to be and leave me wanting more. Carbohydrates are not my friends.
3. Weighing and measuring food is tedious and leads me to become frustrated that it takes so long because I am hungry.
   
4. Having to watch what I eat means I have to remember that I am watching what I eat which in turn means I have to think about food more and in the end makes me want to eat!

I am sure I can think of more observations but I've probably demonstrated that I am not a happy Weight Watcher.

I'm past caring about people who can eat and never gain weight, or those who are too successful in their weight loss to be human. I'm also past wondering why I was born to be fat and how life isn't fair because there are worse things than being prone to obesity and all those are things that brought me down when I was younger. Right now, this minute, I am only interested in eating better for health.

At 52 I'm not aiming for the swimsuit show, the fashion show or any other kind of show; I'm aiming to keep my arteries open, my heart pumping and my knees from hurting. At my age, when I lose weight, I gain wrinkles. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT KEEPING THE WEIGHT DOWN WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG, PEOPLE!! I fear that my youthful looks will disappear and I'll start looking like a hag.

Hmm... Well the best I can hope for is good health and who cares what the hell I look like as long as I'm clean, tidy and well-dressed. I'm also practicing my smile. Seriously. When life was getting me down a few years ago I decided there was no use going around looking as miserable as I felt because no-one would want to talk to me, so I put on a permanent little smile, hoping that I was showing a pleasant face. I have no idea whether it worked or if I just scared people off looking half-demented, but in the end, the effort of keeping that little smile on my face paid off, because life didn't seem nearly so bad, and stretching that smile when greeting a friend was no effort at all. So recently I've been doing it again.

The early months of this year (excluding the highlight of my trip to England) were very difficult for me emotionally. I can't go into details here, but I was a complete emotional wreck with my self-esteem at an all-time low. Over the summer I've gradually been coming to and getting back to feeling like my old self again. The smiling exercise is helping, and hopefully, getting back on track with more controlled eating will help me too.

On matters of church

It's been a long while but I've finally relaxed this summer. Despite being busy, the change in pace and weeks without homework, carpooling and extra-curricular activities has allowed me time to focus on the home and getting things settled and organised. This time next month my cousin is coming to visit from England for a couple of days, so my next project is to get the guest room in order.

We are faced, in this family, with a moral dilemma of sorts. I work as a church secretary which means I am more involved than I might otherwise be in matters of the church. Not that I have an important role but I do find myself involved in discussions about declining Sunday school attendance and how we can overcome the mounting problems of an ever-shrinking membership. On the other hand, I am personally tired of it all. During services my mind wanders, as it always has, except during the sermons (our pastor delivers particularly engaging sermons which is one reason we are still there I think). When my children ask me what's the point in Sunday school, I no longer know what to tell them - the curriculum jumps around and the content of lessons sometimes does and often doesn't hold their interest. I can't remember the last time any of them came home with a smile and a story to tell. Sunday School and church are a torture to be endured as far as they are concerned. We have decided that for now we aren't going to make them go any more; a decision which has not been met favourably by the pastor.

In my mind I compare my own experience with that of my kids. There are several things lacking in their experience that I had:

• I grew up in a large, young and lively congregation
• I had many friends my own age within that congregation
• Once I was old enough to stay home alone, I was given the choice as to whether or not I went to church/Sunday school, no pressure and no questions asked
• Our congregation enjoyed a lot of big social events in which we all participated

These elements made the idea of church very positive for me. All that, coupled with the fact that these were the "Godspell", "Jesus Christ Superstar" and "Joseph and the Amazing Tehcnicolour Dreamcoat" years when young Christians were akin to hippies and flat-soled sandals were called "Jesus boots", meant that I not only had friends who went to church, but that it was "cool" to be a Christian. The only problem was that as we did all these "cool" things, like going to Christian rock concerts and sleeping overnight in the cathedral, always the message was that we should be able to "feel the Holy Spirit" and "feel Jesus within us". I realised at some point that try as I might, and much as I wished it, I was feeling nothing. At first I thought it was because I wasn't "good enough" so I tried to do better, but still I felt nothing. I prayed for Jesus to "enter my heart" but still nothing. What was supposed to happen? I don't know but I read a lot of stories about people who had been "saved" and how they felt an overwhelming sense of joy, peace, calm or some other warm feeling where I was feeling.... nothing at all.

By the time I was ready to leave home to go to college I had decided that this was never going to happen to me and that I was only actually going to church for the social life. I was seeing my friends at other times anyway so it was all a bit pointless to me. However, having been given the choice and the freedom to choose, it did mean (and still does) that I choose to return to the fold of the church at times in my life when it has felt right to do so. I've grown to realise that where some people really do have a strong faith and do believe that church is a place of renewal and growth, perhaps others might feel as I do, but since I have never been able to admit my feelings to other people at church, I don't know if that is true. Faith is not supposed to be about what one can get out of it, or a crutch to lean on in hard times, is it? If not though, why do people follow it, and why don't I feel what they feel?

Since as a teenager I never managed to reach that particular state of serenity that would make me feel that I could truthfully call myself "Christian", the best way I can describe myself is "agnostic". I wouldn't go so far as to say "atheist" because I've seen too much evidence of people with real faith, whose eyes are alight with joy and peace and because my own mother was a woman of deep and enduring faith. But because I can't feel it myself, despite repeating the mantras of Christianity, I don't even dare to call myself a Christian. I am not worthy.

I feel chastised by the pastor of my church because I told him we don't intend to make our children go to Sunday School this year. He told me he didn't feel it was in their best interests not to be made to go. I disagree. It's either time to go to a new church (but are there any that meet the high standards of that church of the 60's and 70's of which I have such happy memories?) or to go to none at all and let each of us find our own faith in our own way. Not an easy choice, but I strongly and firmly believe that as a family we (and I) need breathing space.