On matters of church

It's been a long while but I've finally relaxed this summer. Despite being busy, the change in pace and weeks without homework, carpooling and extra-curricular activities has allowed me time to focus on the home and getting things settled and organised. This time next month my cousin is coming to visit from England for a couple of days, so my next project is to get the guest room in order.

We are faced, in this family, with a moral dilemma of sorts. I work as a church secretary which means I am more involved than I might otherwise be in matters of the church. Not that I have an important role but I do find myself involved in discussions about declining Sunday school attendance and how we can overcome the mounting problems of an ever-shrinking membership. On the other hand, I am personally tired of it all. During services my mind wanders, as it always has, except during the sermons (our pastor delivers particularly engaging sermons which is one reason we are still there I think). When my children ask me what's the point in Sunday school, I no longer know what to tell them - the curriculum jumps around and the content of lessons sometimes does and often doesn't hold their interest. I can't remember the last time any of them came home with a smile and a story to tell. Sunday School and church are a torture to be endured as far as they are concerned. We have decided that for now we aren't going to make them go any more; a decision which has not been met favourably by the pastor.

In my mind I compare my own experience with that of my kids. There are several things lacking in their experience that I had:

• I grew up in a large, young and lively congregation
• I had many friends my own age within that congregation
• Once I was old enough to stay home alone, I was given the choice as to whether or not I went to church/Sunday school, no pressure and no questions asked
• Our congregation enjoyed a lot of big social events in which we all participated

These elements made the idea of church very positive for me. All that, coupled with the fact that these were the "Godspell", "Jesus Christ Superstar" and "Joseph and the Amazing Tehcnicolour Dreamcoat" years when young Christians were akin to hippies and flat-soled sandals were called "Jesus boots", meant that I not only had friends who went to church, but that it was "cool" to be a Christian. The only problem was that as we did all these "cool" things, like going to Christian rock concerts and sleeping overnight in the cathedral, always the message was that we should be able to "feel the Holy Spirit" and "feel Jesus within us". I realised at some point that try as I might, and much as I wished it, I was feeling nothing. At first I thought it was because I wasn't "good enough" so I tried to do better, but still I felt nothing. I prayed for Jesus to "enter my heart" but still nothing. What was supposed to happen? I don't know but I read a lot of stories about people who had been "saved" and how they felt an overwhelming sense of joy, peace, calm or some other warm feeling where I was feeling.... nothing at all.

By the time I was ready to leave home to go to college I had decided that this was never going to happen to me and that I was only actually going to church for the social life. I was seeing my friends at other times anyway so it was all a bit pointless to me. However, having been given the choice and the freedom to choose, it did mean (and still does) that I choose to return to the fold of the church at times in my life when it has felt right to do so. I've grown to realise that where some people really do have a strong faith and do believe that church is a place of renewal and growth, perhaps others might feel as I do, but since I have never been able to admit my feelings to other people at church, I don't know if that is true. Faith is not supposed to be about what one can get out of it, or a crutch to lean on in hard times, is it? If not though, why do people follow it, and why don't I feel what they feel?

Since as a teenager I never managed to reach that particular state of serenity that would make me feel that I could truthfully call myself "Christian", the best way I can describe myself is "agnostic". I wouldn't go so far as to say "atheist" because I've seen too much evidence of people with real faith, whose eyes are alight with joy and peace and because my own mother was a woman of deep and enduring faith. But because I can't feel it myself, despite repeating the mantras of Christianity, I don't even dare to call myself a Christian. I am not worthy.

I feel chastised by the pastor of my church because I told him we don't intend to make our children go to Sunday School this year. He told me he didn't feel it was in their best interests not to be made to go. I disagree. It's either time to go to a new church (but are there any that meet the high standards of that church of the 60's and 70's of which I have such happy memories?) or to go to none at all and let each of us find our own faith in our own way. Not an easy choice, but I strongly and firmly believe that as a family we (and I) need breathing space.