Being Young

My cousin mentioned to me yesterday that he is a firm believer in the "18 'til I die" ethos. I don't know if that's possible. I have spent half my life trying to grow up and now that I'm middle-aged I sometimes think my teenage daughter is more mature than I am. I definitely feel my body is now aging a lot faster than I am, which is rather annoying. When my daughter had her friends over last weekend I wasn't sure how to behave. Stupid really. My inner 18-year-old wanted to go in and laugh and talk with them, join in their fun and get to know them. I felt that they weren't so different from me after all. But the 51-year-old parent was less sure and kept her distance. She didn't really talk or interact with them at all for fear that the daughter wouldn't like it, plus she felt responsible for seeing that there was no inappropriate behaviour. I felt uncomfortable because I know I'd rather have been with them than being an adult in the other room.

I often wonder how, as a parent and a so-called responsible adult, I am supposed to behave. When I was a teacher I was told that one really had to put on an act. Always in the back of my mind was a warning I got when I was a student teacher: "you can't let them win". Looking back, I received some bad advice and I should have ignored it, but I rally couldn't think for myself. I don't think I ever learned that I'd have done a lot better if I'd been more flexible, but there was always the fear that I would lose control and "they" would "win".

Being a parent is even harder than being a teacher. I want to be "firm but kind" but I seriously doubt that it works for anyone whose children won't go to bed, pick up their things, eat their dinner or comply with some other minor request. My children think I'm too serious, over-critical, dull, weird (that's a given) and too concerned with manners. They're usually right, but if I stop caring how they speak to me or each other or other people, they'll "win", I'll lose control and then I'll be labelled as a bad mother whose children are rude. In truth, my children get lots of freedom and I don't nag as much as I should and as a result we live in a pigsty and their rooms are often worse.

My children don't know that the person they know as "mum" isn't the real me. The real me laughs more than she cries and enjoys her friends and her hobbies, and hosts parties. The real me doesn't really care that the kids' rooms are a mess (unless they are dirty) and wants them to go out and have fun and be adventurous. Unfortunately in the back of my mind I can 'see' and 'hear' my mum and many other mums keeping a clean house, cooking, shopping and going to work full time. I don't remember our house being as messy as this one and I would never have been allowed to go out with holes in my clothes or torn hems (at least, not until I was a teenager and it became fashionable). My children don't know that when I suddenly start to get really strict it's because I feel guilty that I've allowed them to go around with scruffy hair and torn clothes and that a "real" mum would make sure that the house was always clean and the family would always eat and enjoy the food she cooks for them.

So, going back to my title, "Being Young", I think it's time I stopped trying to behave like a grown-up and let people take me as I am. Especially my family. I know that my children are surprised that I get as addicted to video games as they do and that my iPod has become permanently attached to my person and that I can't even leave the room without it. As far as the rest goes, I'll try to do better as a parent and be less heavy-handed (metaphorically). If the kids can't laugh with me and see the funny side of something, I'll let it go. If they do something to upset me, I'll let that go too. I won't even worry about their manners so much any more*; they'll have to find out for themselves that good manners have a place, even in 2009. I want them to see more of the happy 'me' and less of the "can't let them win" teacher. I've already made many, many mistakes and I don't want to wait until it's too late to change.

* I wrote this several hours before publishing and I managed to break that new rule at least six times in the space of two hours!! I probably should have included the proviso that I could only do this if they were willing to put other people's feelings before their own and could learn to think before they speak!

Goddess Moon

A blue-pink winter sky, a serene moment captured by an old school chum who inspires more than she knows. Look up once in a while and take a moment to breathe, enjoy, and be thankful for all the good in the world. Thanks for the inspiration Kaz,

Life's a Long Song

I'm sure the world doesn't wish to read my pontifications. I for one would rather gather pearls of genius dropped via the ethernet by Stephen Fry or Clive James. Perhaps, like me, you are also interested in people you actually know, or might know.

The thought for the day is that all those sayings about life being a journey and not a destination, etc., etc. are actually quite true. Having reached the great age of fifty-one I feel at liberty to share what I have found to be true about Life.

1. Life occurs in phases. Some are planned and prepared for (such as marriage) while others are not (such as death of a loved one)
2. Some phases are eagerly anticipated and enjoyed while others are to be endured. None of them are predictable.

So far I am in what I consider to be the 4th phase of my life.

Phase the First:
Childhood. The time when you don't know you're born, when life was good and (you later learn) was still good when it was bad. It's the bad that makes you appreciate the good.

Phase the Second:
Adolescence. In my case, the transition between childhood and adolescence was jarringly punctuated with a sledgehammer, by the death of my father. This phase was, to put it mildly, full of sunshine and tears, but a more accurate description of my emotions is that I alternated between breath-taking joy and the most devastating feelings of melancholy. Again, with hindsight, it was neither of those extremes, but a teenager's life back then could be, and often was, a soap opera.

Phase the Third:
Freedom. Going to college, getting in debt, ignoring letters from the bank, going home pleading poverty, getting a job, paying taxes, going on holiday with friends, making friends, losing friends, facing the cost of living, acquiring Stuff, acquiring More Stuff, having to answer to no-one (except the boss and the bank manager), learning to be independent.

Phase the Fourth:
Middle age. In my case this meant getting married, moving to America, having babies, acquiring Even More Stuff (and then gradually coming to realise I don't want most of it), making a home and realising I'll never have my dream home. Then realising that my dream home is where there is love, laughter, gratitude, contentment and appreciation for all that is good. Then realising that the rest of my family isn't there yet and having to be a parent.

Phase the Fifth:
Older than my parents. A year from now I'll be the same age as my dad (at the time he died). Can't predict that phase.

Time to make a proper announcement

Having announced the existence of my previous blog only a couple of months ago, I've been reluctant to announce this one lest people should be irritated by me. However, I like this one better because it's nice and smooth to work with and most people should be able to view it with ease. So, whether you have been reading this from the beginning (way back when I started this two weeks ago) or whether you have just joined me, 'Welcome to the better blog'.

Now I feel the need to communicate my every move and thought, and also know about other people's. I'm Twittering, Blogging and Facebooking and I daresay if another method of sharing my dull world with the universe should happen to come my way, I'll probably add that too. At least now I've got the three things I am using connected, so my one-line updates will be done through Twitter and in-depth stuff will be here. My goal is to get 'back' with my old friends in the UK and try to make it feel as though I'm not quite so far away, as well as step up communications with my local friends and stave off some of the cabin fever that the winter inevitably brings. However, what disappears with all this interconnection is the freedom to always write exactly what is in the forefront of one's mind because of fear of spoiling a surprise, causing offence or simply sharing Too Much Information. Fortunately most of my life is an open book so don't come here looking for scandal. There is a risk of this becoming simply a day by day description of the mundane and banal but since I'm interested in my people and I hope they are interested in me.

I've noticed that I use cliches and stock phrases way too much - to the point where I'm embarrassed to own them. In fact it means that actually I don't own them and that there is nothing original in my writing. (I do enjoy gathering snippets of wit to toss casually into conversation, passing them off as my own, but to actually write them down is another matter entirely.) I have many learned and talented friends who have had their writing and research published and whose books can be found on Amazon. I'm very proud of them and their hard work and quite surprised that such intelligentsia would have time for me. It makes me feel a bit inadequate because while they've been so busy, I've been faffing around and have little to show for my time - except a hundred and fifty unfinished projects.

I hope you enjoy the blog and I hope you will comment.

x

Friday Night Thoughts

Gosh it's hard to write with so many distractions! The TV is on, the next room is full of teenagers playing games and I don't seem to be able to focus on what to write. Listening to them really reminds me of the youth club I went to at my church when I was 14 and 15. We met every Wednesday in the community centre from 7.30 to 9.30. Usually there was at least one organised activity but the rest of the time we played records and danced, or talked or played table tennis or some other game. It was probably hard work for the adults involved and I don't know that we ever really thanked them for their efforts. Anyway - these kids seem to be having a lot of fun tonight. They're laughing and joking and in high spirits. I feel old.

More on photography

In 2006 I got a new camera which I loved, but in the space of a year it was all but completely destroyed. Fortunately it was still intact the last time I was in London. These are my favourites of the photos I took at that time.

Something Old, Something Blue is a fascinating juxtaposition of one of London's newest landmarks with one of its oldest. I hope to get more from within the Tower walls this year. I love the Gherkin and the Tower buildings themselves are a mishmash of different kinds of architecture in this picture, so as long as there aren't too many more gherkins in the pipeline and the old architecture remains in its rightful place, I like it.

Blue Sky, London Eye uses one of those colour-accent effects that my camera has - my newer camera doesn't have that feature, sadly. I really like the greys and the contrast with the blue.

Britain in the Sky is one of my especial favourites. I managed to get the British Airways plane in the sky as it flew over the (formerly) British Airways London Eye and as it passed a cloud which to me looks strangely like a map of Britain.

Rope Line gave me a rare opportunity to see some photographers waiting for.... whom? This was The Mall and there was a red carpet and a gallery of some sort, so I waited with them. Sadly I didn't recognise anyone who walked the red carpet that day, despite hanging around for over an hour. It was fun people-watching though.

A few weeks later the poor camera was flung rather dramatically (and accidentally) into a swimming pool. It was dried out and continued to function, but not quite as well as before. A few months later it was jammed into a locker door and dropped a couple more times. It's now in Jamie's possession and I have a new camera, up from 7mp to 12. I hope to be able to get some good shots this year.

Marbleous

marbleous
Originally uploaded by janibach

Several years ago if you'd asked me if I had any hobbies, I'd probably have said "shopping" and "socialising". Actually I also knitted and cross-stitched fairly frequently, but they sounded too spinsterish to admit to as "hobbies" for a young single independent woman. At about the same time that I got married, I stopped full time work, so there was actually a need for me to find an absorbing occupation.

It was a few years before I had time for hobbies other than taking care of children and watching TV but at some oint I decided to take up painting. I painted like mad for about three years and then stopped as abruptly as I started. That led to photography - both for inspiration and to post my work online. That in turn led to me setting up my own website and messing about with page and designs. The art led to me trying to "paint'' in fabric, using colours and textures - I started a piece a year or so ago and it's still not finished because I'm looking for the right fabric to finish it off.

I enjoy photographing the wildlife I see outside my house, as well as street scenes and famous landmarks, but in the latter case I try to find less common aspects.

Occasionally I photograph something around the house, like this marble game.