The 21st century teenage party - a parent's point of view

hat the hell I was thinking when I thought it would be nice for my daughter to have the birthday party she wanted? I have never intentionally given her everything she has ever asked for except at Christmas and birthdays, and then only when the request has been reasonable.

So here is the story of the so-called "Sweet Sixteen" party. It actually started when she was twelve and in 6th grade when she wanted "a hotel party". I never discovered where she got that particular idea from, but she was told that we were not going to rent a hotel room for her and her friends and a hotel party wasn't going to happen at age twelve or at any other age under 21. The next big party idea was born out of her friends' bat- and bar-mitzvah celebrations. There were indeed some impressive invitations to parties held in hotel ballrooms with entertainment and party favors and many guests in their finery. Since we aren't Jewish, I haven't experienced such events firsthand, but I don't doubt that they make quite an impression on a non-Jewish thirteen-year-old.

I only slowly came to realise that American families still hold Sweet Sixteen parties for their daughters. I imagined they had died out in the 1960s because the only TV show on which I had seen one depicted was "Happy Days". The "Sweet Sixteen" phenomenon doesn't exist in the UK and the expectations of teenagers are poles apart so this is very new ground to me. I can't seem to explain things to her in a way that she is willing and able to hear and she accuses me of not listening to her. I certainly am listening, but what she doesn't like is that I'm not agreeing to everything she wants. The "Sweet Sixteens" (and there's an oxymoron if ever there was one) I have heard about have ranged from a family dinner with cake, to an expensive night out with a group of friends to a hotel party with a DJ. When DD1 started saying a year ago "when I have my Sweet Sixteen" I should have known something was brewing.

Early November

Sweet 16: I want the hypnotist at my party
Me: How much does he charge?

I make the inquiry and am told he charges $400 per show

Me: If we agree, it will have to be your birthday present because it's a lot of money
Sweet 16: If it's going to be my present I want the party to be the way I want it.
Me: The family (four of us) must also be invited. If we had any family within a thousand miles, they'd be coming too.

Exit Sweet Sixteen

Mid-December

Me to hubby: I'd like to go ahead and book the hypnotist - we could do a surprise party for her.
Hubby: OK, I have no objections if that's what you want to do

Later that day... I cannot keep a secret

Me: (very pleased) I've booked the hypnotist; he's coming on your birthday
Sweet 16: Wait... what time?

Me: (waiting for a thank you) 9 o'clock in the evening and you have a half day so there's time to help get ready

Sweet 16: Okaaayy... (pause) Wait... what show is he doing?
Me: (still very pleased and hoping for approval) Hypnotism and mind-reading. That's what you wanted, right?

Sweet 16: Yeahh...

Me: ...so we'll have to agree on how many guests you can have and on the invitations.
Sweet 16: I'll invite people on Facebook
Me: No, we need to know who's here and we should have proper invitations. They can RSVP to me by email if you like.
Sweet 16: No! That's creepy! I'm not asking my friends to email my parents! We never use email.

Later....

Sweet 16: I want a black and white theme with everyone wearing black and white, but I'm going to wear red, and I want wristbands.
Me: Wristbands? What for?
Sweet 16: So people wear them when they come and we know they're invited.
Me: We'd better know everyone! We don't need wristbands.
Sweet 16: But I want them. Everyone has them.
Me: We can stamp their hands when they arrive. I have a purple inkpad.
Sweet 16: No I want wristbands.
Me: We need a budget.

Much later....

Me: I've been looking online for some invitation ideas. We can do photo cards or we can make our own with nice stationery. What do you think of these?
Sweet 16: Did you use a Wedding invitation for this?
Me: Yes, how did you know?
Sweet 16: It has two doves on it.
Me: Oops.

Much later...

Sweet 16: I like these.
Me: (looking) Those are $70! That's too much.
Sweet 16: I don't like any of them anyway.
Me: Send me a photo of you (I'm not allowed to take photos of her any more so meet with her approval I have to ask for self-portraits)

Several days later

Me: I'm allocating a budget of $100 for invitations, decorations and extras. You can invite 19 people, making 20 altogether, with you.
Sweet 16: 19 won't be enough
Me: well if you must invite more, 25 is the absolute maximum

Later....

Sweet 16: I've got 28 people....

After Christmas

Me: We need to decide on those invitations so we can get them out in the New year.
Sweet 16: (after looking online and off and liking nothing) I don't care, I'll just put it on Facebook

The next day...

Me: (after three hours online designing inexpensive photo invitation card) What do you think of this?

Actual constructive discussion occurs, resulting in positive input from Sweet 16, new wording and new photos and an approved invitation ordered. A miracle!

Later...

Sweet 16: So can I section off the party room like I said?
(This would involve using sheets to cover openings and stairways in our open-plan house and effectively cut the family off. )
Me: I don;t think that would work and why do you want to section if off?
Sweet 16: I want it to be dark and I want people to know where to go
Me: You can tell them when they come in
Sweet 16: I'm not going to stand at the door and say "hi, welcome to my party and can I take your coat! I want to say it's up there, just go in"

(Me to self: What, do you think I'm reinventing Little Lord Fauntleroy's birthday party here...?)

... and I want it dark and I don't want you two on armchairs watching TV or on the computers on in the middle of the room watching us.
Me: We are going to be here to watch over things.
Sweet 16: You can be downstairs.
Me: We have to be able to make sure everything's OK and there's no alcohol or anything untoward occurring.
Sweet 16: What do you think my friends are like?
Me: This is America. We are responsible for what happens in our house. Someone might decide to do something stupid. (Thinks: sexting... inappropriate groping in the dark.... alcohol... prescription drugs... I know what happened when I was sixteen)
Sweet 16: Fine. You'll sit in the middle of the room and watch TV.
Me: No - I thought your friends might like to use the Wii in the other room.
Sweet 16: You'll be in the middle of the room staring at us and it'll be awkward.
Me: No we won't but we will be around to keep an eye on things.
Sweet 16: You aren't listening to me.
Me: Yes I am. I understand what you want. I'm happy for you to have decorations, and have the lights out, but we have to be able to come in and check on things.
Sweet 16: You'll want all the lights on and it'll be awkward! You aren't listening to me!
Me: We are paying a lot of money for this party and it will be done properly. We will be here because we are responsible for what happens in our house, but you can have the lights off and the dancing and loud music but you can't keep us out.
Sweet 16: You suck! You're always going to bring that up aren't you. every time I do one thing wrong you're going to say "we paid a lot of money for that party and this is what you do in return".

Exit Sweet 16.

That's the drama so far, people. The party will take place on January 22nd. Further developments will be published as they occur.

Remember. We have another daughter who will be 16 in 2013...

Christmas and the year to come

y oh my, where does the time go? I have been so busy with Christmas that I've barely had the time to write anything. So far it's been an enjoyable Christmas and we've found some great family moments to enjoy with our new Wii games. I even played Super Mario for a while yesterday. We love the Beatles Rock Band game, though. Maybe the music doesn't quite have the same appeal to all, but it's fairly easy to learn and I like the vocal element. We recieved a gift certificate to Amazon so I've ordered Rock Band (for a different selection of songs) and also a dance game which we hope everyone will enjoy. DS has discovered quite a talent for drumming so perhaps he'll take it up for real one day.

This morning we had a real treat. DD1's Christmas gift to the family arrived. It was a large Edible Arrangement for us all to share. It was good! Chocolate-covered and plain cut fruits, all in a basket, like a bouquet of flowers. Everyone has enjoyed nibbling on it on and off all day. What a lovely and different gift.

We're planning another party for New Year's Day, as we have each year since January 2007. I'm looking forward to it and I'll no doubt be busy getting it all ready in a day or two.

In addition we're planning a big party for DD1's "Sweet Sixteen" in January. It wasn't really intended to be a huge party but we are going to have a hypnotist to entertain the kids - he's very popular with the teenagers and puts on a great show, apparently. He also lives locally and hopefully will be able to come whatever the weather. Unfortunately DD1 has big ideas about decorations and invitations which will far exceed our budget for this party, so it remains to be seen how that will work out, but we need to send the invitations early in the new year. Along with being about to turn 16 DD1 has certain expectations pertaining to her wishing to learn how to drive but if she wants a vehicle with a bow on it for her birthday, she'd better be looking for a Matchbox car!

2010 will bring several more changes and some will be quite drastic. Firstly, the pastor at our church is retiring at the end of January and because I am the church secretary, his leaving will affect me quite considerably. The interim replacement pastor will arrive on Feb 1st and then we'll find out whether or not we'll be able to work together. Also, it's possible that I'll become something of a grass-widow later in the year so I hope to find some new activities and interests and learn how to remain sane! More about all that at a later date.

I do hope to be visiting England again in 2010 but not sure exactly when - I'm hoping for the end of May and into June. It also turns out that an old friend is going to be appearing in a lead role in La Cage aux Folles on Broadway in 2010 and so some of us will try to go and see him. Quite exciting really because although I've seen him on television, I've never seen him in anything on stage since school! I guess my travel plans will also have to be worked around that.

DD2 and I have planned a February trip to a local theater to see the Cirque du Soleil show "Imagination" for a birthday treat. Not as expensive as a Broadway show, but it will be fun.

I'm rather looking forward to the new year. A new start, new beginnings, a new chapter in my life and I think that the changes will be refreshing.

Happy New Year!

A new address!

This blog has just moved from where it was to where it is now. Drop me a line in the comments box to say 'hi' so I know you've found me!

No talking here

How do parents know what their teenage daughter is "going through" when she doesn't talk to them?

Thanksgiving - whose tradition?

It's been over a week since my last entry, for which I can only offer the excuse that nothing of interest has happeend here beyond coughs, trips to the doctor and the usual mundane happenings that occur in a family home. This family's Thanksgiving, however, is not typical of what I've been led to believe happens in most normal American homes.

Being British, I never grew up with the Thanksgiving traditiion. I experienced my first Thanksgiving with DH during our first year together, when I was pregnant with DD1. We created our own traditional Thanksgiving dinner of roast turkey breast, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans with almonds, carrots and cranberry sauce, followed by apple or pumpkin pie. This is a meal we both enjoy and we do save it for just once a year. It takes a long time to prepare and a short time to eat but we've continued it as our family has grown. We seldom have company because we a) have no family within 3000 miles with whom to share the holiday and b) we presume that everyone else does. (I suppose that this is more typical nowadays than in the past with families becoming more and more separated by distance. For us it has been so for 17 years.)

The reality of our Thanksgiving now though, is that I often feel it's all a bit pointless without friends and family for whom to dress up and get out the best china. When the children were little, it became "wear what you like day" so we even had them in Halloween costumes one year, and they helped prepare the food and set the table and we watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on television all morning. Sadly, that happy phase didn't last long. Things change and kids grow up. The biggest cause for upset to me these days is the fact that DH and I are the only two of the five of us who have any interest in eating a Thanksgiving dinner.

Our three children have become unwilling participants. They don't have cousins to play and argue with, nor do they have doting aunts, uncles and grandparents to fuss over them and say "haven't you grown!". They have no need or desire to dress up, be on their best behaviour or to help with preparations and clean-up. Worst of all, they all hate the food! DD1 likes stuffing, mashed potato and pie. DS will eat stuffing, potato and possibly a single green bean or carrot and he will eat pie. DD2 likes egg nog. That's it. She doesn't like any part of the meal at all - not the meat, not the potatoes, not even the pie. Nothing. This so-called "fussy" or "picky" eating might have been dismissed as a phase when they were under 7 years old, but it's become ridiculous. DD1 is vegetarian, but at 15 puts only enough food on her plate to feed a healthy two-year-old. DS is not vegetarian but dislikes turkey. Of the three, he at least makes the effort to try to taste everything on the table. DD2 is a lost cause at this point. At 12 years old I doubt she's going to change but frankly I don't want to listen to her say the food is horrible and watch her eating a sandwich.

For me, the Thanksgiving meal should be like an English Christmas, without the presents. It should be a social, happy time and an occasion to eat good home-cooked food in good company. In reality, for me, it's just another day with extra work. Nothing to look forward to. I do it because DH and I enjoy the meal, but apart from DH taking charge of cooking the green beans, I do all the cleaning, shopping, preparation, cooking..... and then I get to spend another hour or more in the kitchen afterwards cleaning it all up again and wondering what to do with the leftovers! The kids would just as soon have pizza and watch cartoons or go on facebook.

No. Thankful as I am for the holiday, I don't like Thanksgiving.

An inkling of insight

There are times when I have wondered what it must be like to get old, but until recently, I've never had any real insight into what it must really be like. Last night I had a dream that my sister took my place at a reunion of sorts of some of my old friends. I was in a 'fly-on-the-wall' position so I looked enviously on, wishing I had been there. At some point I realised that as well as my friends, there were some of our relatives too and that was when I realised that this mythical reunion must have occurred several years ago because two of the relatives had been dead some time.

I woke up with a sense of unease, not at missing seeing my friends (in fact by then I couldn't even remember which friends they were) but at the realisation that so many of the adults I knew as a child are no longer around. It was at that moment that I realised that a stage of life I have yet to reach is that of being one of the oldest generation. I try to imagine how my grandma must have felt. From when she was born, the youngest of six, she was the baby of the family - and was happy to be so. She was close to her mother and really didn't want to leave home. In fact she and my grandad started married life living with her parents, and later moved to a house down the street. For the first forty years of her life it was thus. The war changed everything of course. They had to leave Walthamstow because of the bombing - her parents went one way and she went another with her children. More changes occurred in the next twenty years - she lost both her parents, her brother and her oldest sister, but she still had most of her contemporaries and was still the youngest in her generation. I suppose at that time, she too realised that all her parents' contemporaries were gone, but she still had her older sisters, husband, children and grandchildren.

Having always been the baby of the family and been well cared for, I wonder how she felt at being one of the oldest generation. Perhaps she didn't feel that she was that old. During the early 1980s her world was turned over when she lost her remaining sisters, her husband and elder daughter and it was at that point that suddenly she found herself with no-one to look up to, no-one who shared her memories and no-one of her own age. Surely that must be the hardest stage of life altogether.

Coughs and sneezes spread diseases

Never was a truer word said this year. I can't believe the amount of sickness that's around at the moment. My family doesn't usually succumb to everything that's doing the rounds, so this comes as a shock to all of us. Right now I have three children who have collectively suffered varying degrees of coughs, sneezes, fevers, aches and pains over the past ten days. Added to which, I have caught it all from them and have been coughing and aching and feeling unwell for the past four days. Altogether, they have spent 8 days at home, which would have been 10 but for there being two days that school was closed. It's not over yet though - DS will be home again tomorrow since he was sent home from school with a fever today. DD2 is making a good recovery and is already back in full school mode, albeit with a persistent cough. DD1 I'm still not sure about. It's wearing, but none of us seriously ill, and for that I am grateful.

Today I found out that it's possible to have swine flu without having a fever and without even knowing you have it - it affects people in different ways so for all I know, we've all got it. Or not. Who knows? The school nurse's office was full of sick children when I went to pick up DS and the doctors' offices are busy with suspected swine flu patients so I'm not running off for a diagnosis unless the situation becomes dire. I called about seasonal flu and swine flu vaccinations today and there are none to be had. Healthy kids aren't a priority and there's a shortage of vaccines. It doesn't bother me. If they have H1N1 and it isn't affecting them badly it'll help with their immunities. Let's hope.