And there you have it...

We are having a spiffy time at the moment trying to keep up with the pace of life. At the advanced age of fifty-two years and eight months, my sleep is often reduced to four-six hours which necessitates the taking of a nap during the day. Hah! In my dreams! In reality I get up at 5:45am and am on the go for as long as I can manage to stay awake at night. Having had a good night's sleep, despite having a cold, today I have news to share and a further commentary on the joys and perils of living with a loved one who hates one.

DD1 has another prom invitation. On Saturday we went out shopping for a prom dress which she is buying for herself this year. I shuddered at the cost of the dresses, and when she tried on a dress costing over $500 and said "I don't care about how much it is, just if I like how it looks" I realised that she was, perhaps, living in another world from the rest of us. I consider myself very fortunate to be able to afford what we need and some of what we don't need. I don't consider myself frugal but I don't spend excessive amounts of money on myself either. I'm always on the look out for a sale and a bargain and I cringe at the thought of overpaying for anything. Wedding dresses and Prom dresses fall into the 'overpaying' category.

We are both hated by DD1 when life doesn't go her way. If she asks for (and gets) what she wants, all is well. When we ask for a small boon or favor, we are told "I don't have to do anything because I'm hardly ever here" or "I only live here because I'm forced to live here" and "when I'm eighteen I'm leaving because you aren't going to pay for my college because you won't even pay for car insurance so I can drive". We know our place and we humbly withdraw to it.

And now the news. DH has received word today that he will be going to Colorado on Sabbatical for almost a year, beginning in the summer of 2010. I'm very happy for him, because I know he wants to do this, and he most certainly deserves a break to do what he really enjoys in research. I wish we could all go, but it simply isn't practical with the kids being the ages they are, so yours truly will be holding down the domestic fort and will be single-parenting for much of the time. We will most certainly miss him but there will be visits back and forth between MA and CO so perhaps it will be bearable. My ostrich tendencies prevent me from looking too closely at the realities and facing up to the future so at the moment I'm able to imagine that I will be able to ride the waves. Or not.

Sometimes life gets in the way of blogs

know I promised a sequel to the 'sweet sixteen' drama, but truth to tell, it didn't actually get much more dramatic than that. In the run-up to the day of the party, it became clear that no preparations were going to be made if I didn't make them. It's fair to mention, however, that the party fell at the end of the high school exam week and DD1 was studying.

I was pleased with the decorations and the display board I created for her. I left her only to find a way to play music. That turned out to be the one thing that was really rather inadequate. We have a 19-year old Pioneer midi system with record deck, double cassette deck and multi-disc CD player. It was purchased when mini-systems started to become popular, but I wasn't convinced I wanted to live without a record deck, and I had always wanted a Pioneer, so I was happy with my purchase. The problem now is that the system is incompatible with iPods. Whereas I went to parties armed with a pile of my best singles (45s) or a couple of cassettes back in the 70s, these kids all showed up with their iPods, and all we had to play them on was an iHome clock/radio. Hmm... Anyway, it didn't seem to matter because when they all got here, they stood talking for a solid two hours instead of dancing.

So, the guest of honor (or hostess) was absent from most of the preparations and decorations and absented herself from a lot of the cleaning up afterwards, but it was no more or less than I expected and overall it was fine. The party itself was very successful in no small part due to the very excellent entertainment supplied by Dan Candell, the hypnotist and mind-reader extraordinaire. He absolutely had them all in the palm of his hand and had to be seen to be believed. He says he was only twelve when he first became a hypnotist and now at the ripe old age of 22 he's a professional entertainer. I invited two neighbor-friends to come and watch the show - their own kids had told them all about Dan, and they were as enthralled as the rest of us. I'm glad we allowed DD1 the party she wanted. It was fun.

A week later it was DD2's thirteenth birthday, and of course in some cultures that is also a big milestone birthday. We tried to make it fun and special, but without the party. We went to see "Tooth Fairy" - not a great movie, but I enjoyed seeing Julie Andrews, Stephen Merchant and Billy Crystal. Later this month I'm taking her to see Cirque Dreams at the Hanover.

In addition to the birthdays, it was a strange and difficult week at the church. I am a church secretary and I share the job, in part, with DD1 who gets paid handsomely for her work. The incumbent pastor of almost 34 years retired on the 31st January so the last week was spent trying to tie up loose ends and preparing for his last Sunday. The Sunday service was emotional, and it was followed by a reception in the hall. The rules for retiring and departing pastors is that they must sever all connections to the parish in which they have served, although they are allowed to retain friendships. However they must stay completely out of church affairs and may not even visit without permission from the replacement pastor. That's really tough.

Since Sunday, I've had a very strange week getting used to things being different. Old Pastor was fun to be around and we laughed and talked about Apple products more often than not. His door was always open and often we would call out to each other from one office to the other. I'd hear him laugh at something on his computer and would have to find out what it was, and he would do the same. I really enjoyed working with him and I find it so difficult to adapt to a new person in his office. New Pastor is an "intentional interim" so he will only be with us for a few months and I daresay I'll get used to him. But now the office door is closed and I have to knock. I am tired with all the explanations and orientation and to cap it all I've had DS at home sick for three days, DD1 for two days and DD2 refusing to go to school and creating problems on Tuesday.

All in all it's been a busy and life-changing few weeks. Who knows what the next drama will be!

The 21st century teenage party - a parent's point of view

hat the hell I was thinking when I thought it would be nice for my daughter to have the birthday party she wanted? I have never intentionally given her everything she has ever asked for except at Christmas and birthdays, and then only when the request has been reasonable.

So here is the story of the so-called "Sweet Sixteen" party. It actually started when she was twelve and in 6th grade when she wanted "a hotel party". I never discovered where she got that particular idea from, but she was told that we were not going to rent a hotel room for her and her friends and a hotel party wasn't going to happen at age twelve or at any other age under 21. The next big party idea was born out of her friends' bat- and bar-mitzvah celebrations. There were indeed some impressive invitations to parties held in hotel ballrooms with entertainment and party favors and many guests in their finery. Since we aren't Jewish, I haven't experienced such events firsthand, but I don't doubt that they make quite an impression on a non-Jewish thirteen-year-old.

I only slowly came to realise that American families still hold Sweet Sixteen parties for their daughters. I imagined they had died out in the 1960s because the only TV show on which I had seen one depicted was "Happy Days". The "Sweet Sixteen" phenomenon doesn't exist in the UK and the expectations of teenagers are poles apart so this is very new ground to me. I can't seem to explain things to her in a way that she is willing and able to hear and she accuses me of not listening to her. I certainly am listening, but what she doesn't like is that I'm not agreeing to everything she wants. The "Sweet Sixteens" (and there's an oxymoron if ever there was one) I have heard about have ranged from a family dinner with cake, to an expensive night out with a group of friends to a hotel party with a DJ. When DD1 started saying a year ago "when I have my Sweet Sixteen" I should have known something was brewing.

Early November

Sweet 16: I want the hypnotist at my party
Me: How much does he charge?

I make the inquiry and am told he charges $400 per show

Me: If we agree, it will have to be your birthday present because it's a lot of money
Sweet 16: If it's going to be my present I want the party to be the way I want it.
Me: The family (four of us) must also be invited. If we had any family within a thousand miles, they'd be coming too.

Exit Sweet Sixteen

Mid-December

Me to hubby: I'd like to go ahead and book the hypnotist - we could do a surprise party for her.
Hubby: OK, I have no objections if that's what you want to do

Later that day... I cannot keep a secret

Me: (very pleased) I've booked the hypnotist; he's coming on your birthday
Sweet 16: Wait... what time?

Me: (waiting for a thank you) 9 o'clock in the evening and you have a half day so there's time to help get ready

Sweet 16: Okaaayy... (pause) Wait... what show is he doing?
Me: (still very pleased and hoping for approval) Hypnotism and mind-reading. That's what you wanted, right?

Sweet 16: Yeahh...

Me: ...so we'll have to agree on how many guests you can have and on the invitations.
Sweet 16: I'll invite people on Facebook
Me: No, we need to know who's here and we should have proper invitations. They can RSVP to me by email if you like.
Sweet 16: No! That's creepy! I'm not asking my friends to email my parents! We never use email.

Later....

Sweet 16: I want a black and white theme with everyone wearing black and white, but I'm going to wear red, and I want wristbands.
Me: Wristbands? What for?
Sweet 16: So people wear them when they come and we know they're invited.
Me: We'd better know everyone! We don't need wristbands.
Sweet 16: But I want them. Everyone has them.
Me: We can stamp their hands when they arrive. I have a purple inkpad.
Sweet 16: No I want wristbands.
Me: We need a budget.

Much later....

Me: I've been looking online for some invitation ideas. We can do photo cards or we can make our own with nice stationery. What do you think of these?
Sweet 16: Did you use a Wedding invitation for this?
Me: Yes, how did you know?
Sweet 16: It has two doves on it.
Me: Oops.

Much later...

Sweet 16: I like these.
Me: (looking) Those are $70! That's too much.
Sweet 16: I don't like any of them anyway.
Me: Send me a photo of you (I'm not allowed to take photos of her any more so meet with her approval I have to ask for self-portraits)

Several days later

Me: I'm allocating a budget of $100 for invitations, decorations and extras. You can invite 19 people, making 20 altogether, with you.
Sweet 16: 19 won't be enough
Me: well if you must invite more, 25 is the absolute maximum

Later....

Sweet 16: I've got 28 people....

After Christmas

Me: We need to decide on those invitations so we can get them out in the New year.
Sweet 16: (after looking online and off and liking nothing) I don't care, I'll just put it on Facebook

The next day...

Me: (after three hours online designing inexpensive photo invitation card) What do you think of this?

Actual constructive discussion occurs, resulting in positive input from Sweet 16, new wording and new photos and an approved invitation ordered. A miracle!

Later...

Sweet 16: So can I section off the party room like I said?
(This would involve using sheets to cover openings and stairways in our open-plan house and effectively cut the family off. )
Me: I don;t think that would work and why do you want to section if off?
Sweet 16: I want it to be dark and I want people to know where to go
Me: You can tell them when they come in
Sweet 16: I'm not going to stand at the door and say "hi, welcome to my party and can I take your coat! I want to say it's up there, just go in"

(Me to self: What, do you think I'm reinventing Little Lord Fauntleroy's birthday party here...?)

... and I want it dark and I don't want you two on armchairs watching TV or on the computers on in the middle of the room watching us.
Me: We are going to be here to watch over things.
Sweet 16: You can be downstairs.
Me: We have to be able to make sure everything's OK and there's no alcohol or anything untoward occurring.
Sweet 16: What do you think my friends are like?
Me: This is America. We are responsible for what happens in our house. Someone might decide to do something stupid. (Thinks: sexting... inappropriate groping in the dark.... alcohol... prescription drugs... I know what happened when I was sixteen)
Sweet 16: Fine. You'll sit in the middle of the room and watch TV.
Me: No - I thought your friends might like to use the Wii in the other room.
Sweet 16: You'll be in the middle of the room staring at us and it'll be awkward.
Me: No we won't but we will be around to keep an eye on things.
Sweet 16: You aren't listening to me.
Me: Yes I am. I understand what you want. I'm happy for you to have decorations, and have the lights out, but we have to be able to come in and check on things.
Sweet 16: You'll want all the lights on and it'll be awkward! You aren't listening to me!
Me: We are paying a lot of money for this party and it will be done properly. We will be here because we are responsible for what happens in our house, but you can have the lights off and the dancing and loud music but you can't keep us out.
Sweet 16: You suck! You're always going to bring that up aren't you. every time I do one thing wrong you're going to say "we paid a lot of money for that party and this is what you do in return".

Exit Sweet 16.

That's the drama so far, people. The party will take place on January 22nd. Further developments will be published as they occur.

Remember. We have another daughter who will be 16 in 2013...

Christmas and the year to come

y oh my, where does the time go? I have been so busy with Christmas that I've barely had the time to write anything. So far it's been an enjoyable Christmas and we've found some great family moments to enjoy with our new Wii games. I even played Super Mario for a while yesterday. We love the Beatles Rock Band game, though. Maybe the music doesn't quite have the same appeal to all, but it's fairly easy to learn and I like the vocal element. We recieved a gift certificate to Amazon so I've ordered Rock Band (for a different selection of songs) and also a dance game which we hope everyone will enjoy. DS has discovered quite a talent for drumming so perhaps he'll take it up for real one day.

This morning we had a real treat. DD1's Christmas gift to the family arrived. It was a large Edible Arrangement for us all to share. It was good! Chocolate-covered and plain cut fruits, all in a basket, like a bouquet of flowers. Everyone has enjoyed nibbling on it on and off all day. What a lovely and different gift.

We're planning another party for New Year's Day, as we have each year since January 2007. I'm looking forward to it and I'll no doubt be busy getting it all ready in a day or two.

In addition we're planning a big party for DD1's "Sweet Sixteen" in January. It wasn't really intended to be a huge party but we are going to have a hypnotist to entertain the kids - he's very popular with the teenagers and puts on a great show, apparently. He also lives locally and hopefully will be able to come whatever the weather. Unfortunately DD1 has big ideas about decorations and invitations which will far exceed our budget for this party, so it remains to be seen how that will work out, but we need to send the invitations early in the new year. Along with being about to turn 16 DD1 has certain expectations pertaining to her wishing to learn how to drive but if she wants a vehicle with a bow on it for her birthday, she'd better be looking for a Matchbox car!

2010 will bring several more changes and some will be quite drastic. Firstly, the pastor at our church is retiring at the end of January and because I am the church secretary, his leaving will affect me quite considerably. The interim replacement pastor will arrive on Feb 1st and then we'll find out whether or not we'll be able to work together. Also, it's possible that I'll become something of a grass-widow later in the year so I hope to find some new activities and interests and learn how to remain sane! More about all that at a later date.

I do hope to be visiting England again in 2010 but not sure exactly when - I'm hoping for the end of May and into June. It also turns out that an old friend is going to be appearing in a lead role in La Cage aux Folles on Broadway in 2010 and so some of us will try to go and see him. Quite exciting really because although I've seen him on television, I've never seen him in anything on stage since school! I guess my travel plans will also have to be worked around that.

DD2 and I have planned a February trip to a local theater to see the Cirque du Soleil show "Imagination" for a birthday treat. Not as expensive as a Broadway show, but it will be fun.

I'm rather looking forward to the new year. A new start, new beginnings, a new chapter in my life and I think that the changes will be refreshing.

Happy New Year!

A new address!

This blog has just moved from where it was to where it is now. Drop me a line in the comments box to say 'hi' so I know you've found me!

No talking here

How do parents know what their teenage daughter is "going through" when she doesn't talk to them?

Thanksgiving - whose tradition?

It's been over a week since my last entry, for which I can only offer the excuse that nothing of interest has happeend here beyond coughs, trips to the doctor and the usual mundane happenings that occur in a family home. This family's Thanksgiving, however, is not typical of what I've been led to believe happens in most normal American homes.

Being British, I never grew up with the Thanksgiving traditiion. I experienced my first Thanksgiving with DH during our first year together, when I was pregnant with DD1. We created our own traditional Thanksgiving dinner of roast turkey breast, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans with almonds, carrots and cranberry sauce, followed by apple or pumpkin pie. This is a meal we both enjoy and we do save it for just once a year. It takes a long time to prepare and a short time to eat but we've continued it as our family has grown. We seldom have company because we a) have no family within 3000 miles with whom to share the holiday and b) we presume that everyone else does. (I suppose that this is more typical nowadays than in the past with families becoming more and more separated by distance. For us it has been so for 17 years.)

The reality of our Thanksgiving now though, is that I often feel it's all a bit pointless without friends and family for whom to dress up and get out the best china. When the children were little, it became "wear what you like day" so we even had them in Halloween costumes one year, and they helped prepare the food and set the table and we watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on television all morning. Sadly, that happy phase didn't last long. Things change and kids grow up. The biggest cause for upset to me these days is the fact that DH and I are the only two of the five of us who have any interest in eating a Thanksgiving dinner.

Our three children have become unwilling participants. They don't have cousins to play and argue with, nor do they have doting aunts, uncles and grandparents to fuss over them and say "haven't you grown!". They have no need or desire to dress up, be on their best behaviour or to help with preparations and clean-up. Worst of all, they all hate the food! DD1 likes stuffing, mashed potato and pie. DS will eat stuffing, potato and possibly a single green bean or carrot and he will eat pie. DD2 likes egg nog. That's it. She doesn't like any part of the meal at all - not the meat, not the potatoes, not even the pie. Nothing. This so-called "fussy" or "picky" eating might have been dismissed as a phase when they were under 7 years old, but it's become ridiculous. DD1 is vegetarian, but at 15 puts only enough food on her plate to feed a healthy two-year-old. DS is not vegetarian but dislikes turkey. Of the three, he at least makes the effort to try to taste everything on the table. DD2 is a lost cause at this point. At 12 years old I doubt she's going to change but frankly I don't want to listen to her say the food is horrible and watch her eating a sandwich.

For me, the Thanksgiving meal should be like an English Christmas, without the presents. It should be a social, happy time and an occasion to eat good home-cooked food in good company. In reality, for me, it's just another day with extra work. Nothing to look forward to. I do it because DH and I enjoy the meal, but apart from DH taking charge of cooking the green beans, I do all the cleaning, shopping, preparation, cooking..... and then I get to spend another hour or more in the kitchen afterwards cleaning it all up again and wondering what to do with the leftovers! The kids would just as soon have pizza and watch cartoons or go on facebook.

No. Thankful as I am for the holiday, I don't like Thanksgiving.